This is my Surrender

I have a confession to make....

I didn't leave Vermont....


After the "farewell show" in mid June, I embarked on a summer filled with transition, transformation and journeying into unknown internal territory….
 
As I made preparations to move to Austin, I began panicking. A feeling in my gut and a little voice inside kept piping up "no, this isn't it..." and I kept saying "shhh..." But the voice grew bold and more fervent in her emotional expression, sending me into spins of uncontrollable sobbing and incoherent stammering as I struggled to find external REASONS to explain this internal nudge.  I felt desperate, confused, and pulled out of my center, and I didn't know why.  
 
Like an animal storing up for winter, I gathered all the opinions, ideas, and thoughts from my closest friends, thinking, the more I un-earthed their suggestions, the more safe I would be, the more fed, the more clear. But, this was a choice I had to make alone. I fervently waited for some clear decision to arise. It was like swimming upstream in a very strong current trying to hear my inner voice above the outer noise.  The feminine voice will take her time and was insisting I venture further in before she revealed her wisdom and guidance.
 
On retreat in the Colorado mountains, with my teacher and community, the wind and the big sky, I began to hear HER.  I looked at my doubt. I looked at my fear.  I looked at my self-judgment.  I cried for how self-absorbed I can be, I cried for needing others, I cried for needing to feel loved.  I cried for my yearning for connection, in all capacities.  I cried for the pain of the world. I cried for feeling separate from it.  I cried for being attached.  I cried for living in doubt.  I cried for the moments I shut down.   And...
then....

I let it all go…
 
I began to remember how to sense and feel with my whole being. I found my inner strength.  I acknowledged my full emotional self and opened my listening towards what this torrent of energy was trying to say.
 
Turning this way and that, weighing the options, feeling my heart pulled here and pulled there.... I heard the voice.... "Stay.”  It took a few more zig zags, a trip to Austin so I could physically feel the space there, a bit more surrendering, the huge decision to let go of important relationships, plans and dreams that no-longer served, and finally, I took a deep breath and said, “Okay.  I’m here.”  
 
***
 
I tell you my process of choosing to stay in Vermont, because sometimes what is simple on the outside holds internally, a dramatic weight. I hope we all remember to give ourselves permission to be in the process, change our minds at any moment when something doesn't feel right, and flow with the river of intuition.  
 
I am now constantly asking myself the question "what serves?" as in, “What structures can I create in my life to do the inner work required for my work in the world to fully serve.” Right now it is the Vermont landscape, the space I have here to be immersed in my creative work and my spiritual practice, and the people who inspire me and I connect with around the world.
 
This is my surrender.  I place my boots firmly on the ground and turn my palms upward to face the reds and golds of changing trees. In the stance of surrender, anything is possible. Action taken from a place of surrender is the feminine way.   I invite re-birth.  New SSOL programs and creative projects are on the horizon.  Some are ready to share today, some are just beginning to whisper in my ear and will be revealed in the coming year.
 
I am so grateful to you for being part of this journey.  You continue to inspire me and fuel me on.  Thank you for being part of my world and welcome to our new phase together!
 
Blessings and Love,
Emma
 

Posted on October 2, 2015 .