Okay I'm just going to upfront and say I am terrible at this!!! Terrible! It's something I'm working on, so in the spirit of letting go of my perfectionism, I decided to blog about it. I have not only NOT mastered letting go of my "plan" and obsessiveness about planning, I am not even a high-school student or even elementary student about it, pretty much a toddler learning to take my first steps in this world of not-being-attached-to-the-plan.
What do you do when your "plan" falls apart and when you keep trying to piece it together with others plans, that also fall apart? You finally begin to embrace that maybe it's time to get the memo SHE is sending and learn to surrender the plan.
Why am I attached to my plan? Because I’m terrified of failure. Simple as that. But what is failure? Failure is simply something we hoped, dreamed, aspired to or planned not working out the way we originally envisioned. Learning to be powerful with failure is simply accepting that no matter how much we want to be in control, we are not. So live it up sisters! Be open to how your path will unfold and show up. Okay… easier said then done.
Surrendering the plan involves trust. Trusting that whatever is happening is EXACTLY what YOU NEED to fully share your voice with the world.
My inner chaos barometer has been hell high and bitchin’ loose these past few weeks. It is amazing to me how much I still resist trusting myself. Most of the time, when I get present to the lack of trust in myself, it makes me so goddam mad I stop everything. I become immobilized by the knowledge “I don’t trust myself.” Followed by “so what the hell am I doing?” And it becomes almost impossible to create or take any action. Fear is so powerful it can stop all inspiration. I can easily become panicked and overwhelmed about my creative process or work life - all the things I could do, and not knowing how any of it will turn out, that it becomes easier to just give up and do something else. But, my challenge to myself and challenge to you is to show up and create despite the inner hell. To see if you can move your fear, your panic, and let the feeling of chaos and uncertainty become a powerful energy and place to create form. Trust, that the act of creating can heal all.
The feeling of being paralyzed can show up anywhere in the creative process.
I know that many of you who I’ve had the pleasure of working with have had the experience of not being able to start the process of writing a song, because you are afraid of what will or won’t be born. The uncertainty of how to begin combined with a lack of trust, sister, that this exactly what you were born to do, can take over your whole creative mental space and pull you out of connection to your core, your creative energy center.
Sometimes I feel I have to figure out how to fully “trust” before I can act. But trust emerges naturally through action.
If we try to become more trusting, we will fail. But if we keep showing up to do our work despite our doubts, trust will reveal herself and become the natural place from which we live. What if whether or not we trust ourselves doesn’t even matter?
I love feeling empowered. I want the surge of energetic connection to my inner alignment all the time. But when does a desire for self-growth become an obsession with perfection? Only each of us can answer this for herself. What I’m learning, is instead of waiting to reach the perfect point of connection with my inner power and trust, I could instead dance with it all! Dance with the days I’m uncertain and mad about it. Dance with the days I feel powerful. And in all of it, with deep connection to my feminine truth I could simply act.
Action to me used to mean aggression.
I think until recently I didn’t even know how to separate the two. So I would avoid action when I wasn’t feeling “up to it” or “powerful.” Or I would act aggressively with self-judgment and eventually, this would lead to burn-out. Action can arise from the receptive container. We act with aggression when we do not trust, or are not at least practicing trust. When we want to give up and not act because of our uncertainty, instead of becoming aggressive or withdrawing completely, we could simply embody our feminine chaos and own HER power. Perhaps it is in resisting this energy that we spiral into self-doubt. Life and the creative path are not linear. So let’s surrender “The plan.” Then, we can ride the powerful energy of chaos, instead of waiting to feel clear.
Chaos is not the same as aggression. Chaos is a bold feminine energy.
When used wisely, it cuts through the bullshit and connects us to our truth, our core and our creative power. Chaotic action can free us from self-doubt, and allow us to get out of our head and fully access our feminine creative fire.
Taking chaotic action may shine a light on where we need to heal.
Trust yourself to know what will serve you in each moment, whether it is the receptive, the chaotic, or both. Sometimes we have to act to move. Sometimes we have to dance to sing. Sometimes we have to sing to write. In other words, do not get attached to what creating or acting should look like. Stay connected to your chaotic, wild, receptive feminine nature and trust that SHE will show you the way. That’s right, if you let her, SHE WILL SING OUT LOUD.